Victory Over Abortion

Designed to help encourage the post-abortive woman & find victory from guilt & shame.

The grief is real… May 6, 2015

A woman expresses the grief she experienced after her abortion:
I felt abandoned, incredibly lonely.

I hold my stomach and I feel an emptiness.

I have this gaping hole inside of me.

I feel empty inside, a shell of a person.I feel empty and alone… part of me is missing now.

I feel disconnected from my own body and my own feelings.

I felt like I left a part of my soul back at the clinic and I felt empty inside.

I feel numb and dead inside.

There is a place in my heart that only you can fill. It is the space where you will always be my daughter.

I want another child … to fill the void in my life.

I feel constantly one step away from myself and my own life.

I don’t know if I will ever be free of the sorrow which has become a deep ache inside of me, and it frightens me to imagine having to carry this pain all through my life. … Abortion is a dark place. An enormous emptiness.

Life will never be the same … There will always be an empty page in my life, and my heart is broken. Part of me died the day she was taken from me.

I feel very numb most of the time.

Such emptiness. A void in my heart. There is never a way to fill the void.

Numb, profound sense of loss, aloneness…


Nicole’s Story May 24, 2011

Stuffing it

Night falls and here I am again in this familiar place. I feel emotionless, numb and empty. The familiar ache of these four walls suffocate me further into a place were I feel abandoned and alone. Dim lights shine through the breezy white curtains walking shadows across the stark white walls. In the desolate places of my heart I find comfort that someone is coming home from a late night out and I’m not the only one awake in the wee hours. When dawn touches each shadowy place and brightens the room with the warmth of morning the silence of night fades away slowly. I put on my game face it’s a new day with responsibilities and tasks to complete. I push my despair down deeper into my soul, disregarding that I’m already filled to the brim with regrets, shame, and brokenness. It would be easier if there was someone to blame for my heavy heart but when I search for a person to peg with hurting me so badly all I can think of is myself. So I just keep stuffing it and the emotions become easier to numb and harder to heal. After all who wants to truly look at themselves and the plank in their own eyes? I certainly did not want to peel back the layers with questions of my worth plaguing my mind: What if I am truly bad? What if I have a cold heart? What if I just don’t care? What if I’ve gone too far? What if there is no hope for me? What if all I see is ugly? Pretending to be okay was good enough, besides nothing could change the past.

We can be changed

The really scary question is what if that was the end of the story? What if that is where I stopped writing? A daughter of a merciful God questioning her worth, living in depression, without joy, and stuffing it everyday just pretending to be okay. Thankfully that is not where the story ends, rather it is the beginning of the greatest love story I have ever known. It all started when I went to Beauty for Ashes and found healing from my choice to have an abortion. In this safe place I shared my story and learned to accept the choices I made. It was not easy, there were tough times and questions, there were days that I just didn’t want to go to class. As each week passed and we studied about acceptance, guilt, anger, etc I started finding pieces of my broken heart being renewed. When I wanted to skip class the leaders supported me and gave me encouragement to keep pushing through. Meeting with the other woman became like a second home and I found peace from anxiety and all the emotions I kept at bay for so long. Going to this class started as a healing process but become so much more, it became much bigger than me. There is nothing we can do to make up for the past, we can keep stuffing it, we can keep busy, we can keep covering up the pain but the awesome news is we don’t have to. We can repent and be changed because Jesus died on the cross for us; he paid the price for our sins…all our sins.

You are not alone

During my journey with Beauty for Ashes I met other women, extraordinary women who made the same choices and lived in the same darkness that I did. We all started with the same choice in different circumstances but I believe we each finished knowing we were truly forgiven and loved by our redeemer in Jesus. There were two girls that told their personal stories on a video in front of our church about their abortions and the healing they found through Jesus. The courage they had to speak out about a hard topic gave me the courage to seek help and be set free from the past. This was the greatest love story for me because I know my God has never left me nor forsaken me all of the times I ran from him. He keeps no records of wrongs; he stays the same with unwavering love and faithfulness. My prayer is my story will reach others and be a reminder we are each beautiful daughter’s of Christ and he is waiting to wrap us up in his gracious love and wash us clean, whiter than snow.


The Story of Jackie… February 14, 2011

I have never been a good liar. 

I was in the car with my mom and she knew that I was not telling her something.  She kept asking me, “What is wrong?  Tell me.”

I didn’t want to tell her for fear of disappointment.  I was a good Christian girl.  How did I let this happen?  I knew that if I told my parents they would kick me out of the house.  I would have brought shame upon them.  I had been trying for several weeks to figure out what to do, where I could go, who I could stay with.  I didn’t have the money to pay for the abortion and the guy had disappeared already.  What a jerk!

So it came out and I told her, there in the car.  “I am pregnant!”  Tears came flooding in from everywhere.  But the reaction from my mom surprised me the most.  She said that we will take care of this and everything will be okay.  When we got home, we told my dad.  Then my parents asked me the question that would change the next 7 years of my life, “What do you want to do about the pregnancy?”  Now I know that for some people they may wonder, why would that question even come up, but for my parents to ask me this was very important.  My mom had to watch as her younger sister was forced to have a child that she did not want to have.  So my mom did not want to force me into a situation that I did not want to be in.  The final decision was mine.  “I do not want the child.”

On August 11, 2003, my mother’s birthday, I had the abortion.  From that day forward I did not talk about it with anyone.  My mom tried to talk with me to make sure that I was emotionally and spiritually okay, but I would push her away. 

The year after the abortion, I had been diagnosed as bipolar and I also met the man that would push me into a further state of depression and alcoholism.  I began to turn away from God and doubt His existence.  I had reached rock bottom in my life, with nowhere to turn for help.

On June 12, 2005, I was baptized at Shawnee Mission Lake.  On that day I recommitted my life to Christ.  After the past year of destructive behavior, I was ready to go forward and engage in a loving relationship with Christ.  I began to participate in small groups at Westside Family Church and also volunteering.  Life was finally traveling down the right path for me.   

However, it wasn’t until the summer of 2010 that I realized I was not leading the life that God wanted me to live. Oh I was doing good things, but I was not engaged in a “fully alive” life.  I found this out when I attended a Peer-to-Peer Counseling 2 Day Seminar hosted by Westside Church.  On the second day of the seminar, we were working in three person groups, practicing the methods of counseling that we had learned the day before.  In my group, I was the counselee, talking about various issues, when the conversations moved to my past.  Then it came out… my abortion.  The emotions just came back at full force.  My group partners realized that this was an issue that I had not yet dealt with and I needed some help.  By the grace of God, the leader of the Beauty for Ashes group just happened to be at the same seminar.  I met her that day and we exchanged contact information.  This was a definite God moment.  A few weeks later I was in the Beauty for Ashes post-abortive recovery group, on my way to dealing with all of my issues that related to my abortion. 

The Beauty for Ashes group was the most wonderful, difficult thing I have ever done for myself.  If I had not taken the steps back into my past to heal from that pain, I would not be moving forward now.  I know the hurt and loss that a woman feels from abortion.  But God is so much greater than all of that pain. 

On January 23, 2011, my testimony of my abortion was shown to thousands of people via video at Westside Family Church.  If I had not gone through the recovery group, there would have been absolutely no way that I could have given my testimony.  Thankfully by the grace of God, I was able to watch my video proudly and know that I am forgiven.


Click here to watch the video!



MONDAY, FEBRUARY 21ST – Orientation

Westside Family Church

8500 Woodsonia Drive  –  Lenexa, KS  –  66227

6:30pm – 8:30pm

Contact Niki Ezzell at 913-207-3287 or to Register!


How’d You Do It? January 25, 2011

John 15:5
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

     Sunday, January 23rd, 2o11 marked a very special day for me and my friend, Novella, who helps me co-lead a Beauty for Ashes support group.  Two of the women who completed the group in December had the opportunity to share with our church congregation their testimonies on video of how God redeemed them & healed them after their abortions.  I don’t know about your church, but this is not usually a topic that is spoken of often…if ever.  It is considered one of the “hidden sins” much like alcoholism, drug addictions, an eating disorder or any kind of sexual addiction and few pastors want to “go there” for fear that they will have an office full of people they won’t know what to do with on Monday morning!  I am SO THANKFUL that we have a courageous pastor that is willing to take on the task of dealing with some of life’s yuckiest messes! 

     The women’s testimonies included an account of where they were before the abortion, after the abortion, and then after they had received the care & support of a post-abortion group (Beauty for Ashes).  The response from our church congregation was OVERWHELMINGLY POSITIVE!  The women were affirmed in ways they didn’t even know they could be!  They were given hugs from people they didn’t know (young & old) and told they were “brave” and “courageous” from men and women.  They literally touched lives all day long with their stories.  People said again and again, “I don’t know how you were able to do that.”  You want to know how they were able to touch thousands of lives in one single day?  It is only through their strength found in Christ! 

     The verse above reads, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”  Figuratively speaking, Jesus calls himself the “vine” and you and I the “branches”.  Basically what he’s saying here is that, “Hey, if you & I stick together, nothing can separate us!  Nothing can come between us!  Nothing will tear us apart!”  He also promises that we will “bear much fruit” if we stick together.  This is essentially ”proof” that God is working in our lives!

     If you or someone you know is struggling with a past abortion, please consider sending them to this blog.  The longer I continue helping women find healing, the more I realize that we have to fight Satan on this harder than ever!!  Women who have the potential to be great mothers, wonderful wives and servants of Christ are being bound by Satan who is holding them in a thought pattern of “I’m not good enough” or “I’m worthless”.  I’m remaining in the vine (Jesus) so that I can bear more fruit (women free from sin & bondage).  What about you?

Click on this to GET HELP NOW. 


Finding Peace in the Mistakes December 24, 2010

I remember back as a young teenage girl telling my mom “Let me make my own mistakes!”  These are words that likely broke her heart and left her feeling helpless.  As a mom of two teenage girls, I am going through some of the same things.  I have a 16-year old that thinks she is invincible and that nothing is going to happen to her.  And I have a 14-year old that thinks that life is a party and there’s not a care or a worry in the world.  As their mom, I want to teach them everything I know about life.  I want to sit by their bedside and talk to them for hours about the things going on in their day to day lives.  I want to hold their hand and stroke their hair when they are sad about something.  I want to teach them everything I know about boys, sex, alcohol & drugs so that “they don’t make the same mistakes I did.”  How many times have we all heard that in our lifetime?  What do you think their reaction is?  “Mom, let me make my own mistakes!” Famous last words.  “Let me make my own mistakes”…and we do!  We make all kinds of mistakes in our lifetime. 


As a mom who is post-abortive, I am overprotective of my girls.  Not gonna try to candy coat that one.  I have tried my absolute hardest (because of my past) to make sure that they will not make the same mistakes I have made.  While there is a fine line of effective parenting and overprotective parenting, this is one of those that I hover in the overprotective area most of the time.  Because of my sin and my past, I have a tendency to try and shield my girls from anything over a PG13 rating.  This causes a lot of tension and frustration in our home at times because I don’t want them to be damaged.  I don’t want their innocence to be stripped from them like it was for me.  I am coming to the harsh reality that I am going to have to let the ropes out a little bit and allow them to experience life.  My oldest is almost 17 and eighteen is right around the corner!  Sooner than I can blink she will be going off to college!  As a mom who is post-abortive I am having anxieties about sending her off in a year and a half.  Have I allowed her to grow up enough to be able to handle college…and boys…and partying…??  Yikes…


While I can sit here all day long & worry about how I have parented the girls, I also have a deep trust that God knows and cares for each of them.  They both decided at fairly young ages to follow Jesus, but do they really know what it means to seek Him?  I don’t think so.  They’ve had a lot of their life handed to them in a Disney-like fashion where they haven’t had to really trust Jesus for a lot yet.  It seems in life that the times when we seek out God is when we are at our lowest points.  When we are desperate for a situation to be different is when we truly seek Him.  I know this to be true in my own life. 


It reminds me of the story of Job in the Bible.  He was a Christian man who was devoted to following Christ.  His life was pretty comfortable.  He had his health, wealth, a wife & children until one day tragedy struck his life.  His family, his property and his health were stripped from him and he was left with nothing but his faith in God.  That was when he truly sought after God!  I know it’s sad to think that we could treat our Creator like that, but we do.


As a mom, or a dad, who is having anxieties about parenting your children, place your trust in God.  That is the only place that I have found that I can have true peace about all of the junk we have to go through in life.  Say a prayer right now and ask Him to give you peace & understanding and wisdom to know what is right for your family.  I place an enormous amount of faith in the hands of my Father because I know he is the ultimate parent.  He is the Prince of Peace.  Psalm 9:10 says, Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.”  He has never forsaken those who seek him!  That is where my joy and peace comes from and I can draw strength and courage from that. 


May God bless you this Christmas season.  See you in the New Year!


Telling Your Secret November 23, 2010

Filed under: Anger,Depression,encouragement,forgiveness,inspiration,Uncategorized — nikiezzell @ 4:46 pm

Most women who complete the Forgiven & Set Free Bible Study receive substantial healing, yet many slip back into bondage of secrecy because they do not take the final step of testifying to others.  Many women have not even told their immediate family about their abortions, precluding the possibility of sharing with others.  In addition, secrets within the family are destructive.  Full, free intimacy between husband & wife is impossible when they keep secrets from each other.  Satan would like nothing better than for the healed post-abortion woman to remain bound by her secrets because it thwarts her joining God in his ministry of reconciliation.


Who are the people you fear know your secret?  What are you particular fears about telling each person you’ve named?  Take these fears to the Lord and ask Him for wisdom.  Who NEEDS to know?  When?  How?  People who need to know before you are free to speak out publicly are husband, children, parents, siblings, and in-laws.  Telling others about your abortion requires preparation and prayer.  When sharing your story: 

  • In most case it is appropriate to briefly share about your sin of abortion, the sorrow and pain it caused you and then move on to what God has done for you.  However, if you have wronged another person, you will need to give time to expressing your repentance and asking his/her forgiveness (example: not having told your husband, mother, etc.)
  • NEVER make excuses, justify yourself or shift responsibility
  • Share your desire to obey God’s command to proclaim God’s offer of healing and restoration and to help prevent other women from making the same damaging choice.

Family members may be disappointed or get angry with you.  It may take time for them to grieve and come to peace with this knowledge.  Allow them the freedom to raise the subject again and ask questions.  Don’t get defensive and try to justify yourself when they express what they are feeling.  Remember, you are forgiven and there is now no condemnation for you in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).

 Telling your children is an especially delicate situation and must always be for their benefit and NOT for your own purging.  Use this opportunity to witness about God’s provision for our sins and to model His grace and forgiveness.  Pray with them and teach them how to take their feelings to Him.  When sharing your story with children:

  •  Consider the age and maturity of your children.
  •  Limit the amount of detail.  Remember, many children will tell their friends.
  •  Reaffirm your love for all of your children, but don’t continually glorify your aborted child(ren).

If you have lived with guilt and shame and feared rejection from others because of your abortion, telling your secret may seem like a huge risk, but you are walking on the solid ground of God’s Word. (Take a minute to look up these verses that will help you: Isaiah 54:4, Psalm 34:4-5, 2 Timothy 1:7-8)


My prayer for you is that you break free from the chains of secrecy and walk in the total freedom Jesus has secured for you.  And that your testimony would be a rich display of God’s splendor (Isaiah 61:3). 


Saved By Grace September 13, 2010

Filed under: Anger,Depression,encouragement,forgiveness,inspiration,Uncategorized — nikiezzell @ 4:45 pm

“It wasn’t so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn’t know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience. We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It’s a wonder God didn’t lose his temper and do away with the whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, he embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us! Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah.”  Ephesians 2:1-6 (The Message)

When I made the decision to have a second abortion back in 1990, I didn’t do it because I wanted to do it.  I did it because I allowed the world to tell me how to live.  I allowed the so-called counselor to tell me that I couldn’t take care of the child because I was in my senior year and would be going on to college the next year.  And that I had a whole life ahead of me that would be “ruined” because of a baby in my life.  And that because the father of the child would never be a part of the baby’s life and that it would be so hard on me and my family.  I allowed the counselor to convince me that my life was going to be so much better without the child.  Why?  I have asked myself this question so many times.  The best answer I can come up with is this – I didn’t have God in my life and Jesus at the center.  I didn’t make decisions based on what God would think was best for me, but I bought into what the world thought would be better for me. 

Here’s an amazing truth that I am thankful for everyday…Even though I made the mistake of buying into what everyone around me said, I still have a God that is rich in mercy and forgives me! Like Ephesians 2 tells us – God didn’t lose his temper and do away with us!  Instead he made us alive in Christ!  I can’t ever repay Him for what he did for me. 

Ask Yourself: What worldly thing am I buying into right now that is keeping me from a right and pure relationship with God?