I have never been a good liar.
I was in the car with my mom and she knew that I was not telling her something. She kept asking me, “What is wrong? Tell me.”
I didn’t want to tell her for fear of disappointment. I was a good Christian girl. How did I let this happen? I knew that if I told my parents they would kick me out of the house. I would have brought shame upon them. I had been trying for several weeks to figure out what to do, where I could go, who I could stay with. I didn’t have the money to pay for the abortion and the guy had disappeared already. What a jerk!
So it came out and I told her, there in the car. “I am pregnant!” Tears came flooding in from everywhere. But the reaction from my mom surprised me the most. She said that we will take care of this and everything will be okay. When we got home, we told my dad. Then my parents asked me the question that would change the next 7 years of my life, “What do you want to do about the pregnancy?” Now I know that for some people they may wonder, why would that question even come up, but for my parents to ask me this was very important. My mom had to watch as her younger sister was forced to have a child that she did not want to have. So my mom did not want to force me into a situation that I did not want to be in. The final decision was mine. “I do not want the child.”
On August 11, 2003, my mother’s birthday, I had the abortion. From that day forward I did not talk about it with anyone. My mom tried to talk with me to make sure that I was emotionally and spiritually okay, but I would push her away.
The year after the abortion, I had been diagnosed as bipolar and I also met the man that would push me into a further state of depression and alcoholism. I began to turn away from God and doubt His existence. I had reached rock bottom in my life, with nowhere to turn for help.
On June 12, 2005, I was baptized at Shawnee Mission Lake. On that day I recommitted my life to Christ. After the past year of destructive behavior, I was ready to go forward and engage in a loving relationship with Christ. I began to participate in small groups at Westside Family Church and also volunteering. Life was finally traveling down the right path for me.
However, it wasn’t until the summer of 2010 that I realized I was not leading the life that God wanted me to live. Oh I was doing good things, but I was not engaged in a “fully alive” life. I found this out when I attended a Peer-to-Peer Counseling 2 Day Seminar hosted by Westside Church. On the second day of the seminar, we were working in three person groups, practicing the methods of counseling that we had learned the day before. In my group, I was the counselee, talking about various issues, when the conversations moved to my past. Then it came out… my abortion. The emotions just came back at full force. My group partners realized that this was an issue that I had not yet dealt with and I needed some help. By the grace of God, the leader of the Beauty for Ashes group just happened to be at the same seminar. I met her that day and we exchanged contact information. This was a definite God moment. A few weeks later I was in the Beauty for Ashes post-abortive recovery group, on my way to dealing with all of my issues that related to my abortion.
The Beauty for Ashes group was the most wonderful, difficult thing I have ever done for myself. If I had not taken the steps back into my past to heal from that pain, I would not be moving forward now. I know the hurt and loss that a woman feels from abortion. But God is so much greater than all of that pain.
On January 23, 2011, my testimony of my abortion was shown to thousands of people via video at Westside Family Church. If I had not gone through the recovery group, there would have been absolutely no way that I could have given my testimony. Thankfully by the grace of God, I was able to watch my video proudly and know that I am forgiven.
Click here to watch the video!
UPCOMING SUPPORT GROUP INFO:
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 21ST – Orientation
Westside Family Church
8500 Woodsonia Drive – Lenexa, KS – 66227
6:30pm – 8:30pm
Contact Niki Ezzell at 913-207-3287 or firstname.lastname@example.org to Register!